Marketing Evaluations, Inc. stole my wit and i want it back

So paramount decides to drop Tom Cruise. I suppose they had some kind of deal or contract and now that it’s expired, Sumner Redstone doesnt want anything to do with him due to his “controversial and sometimes erratic behavior”.

If we want to understand why Sumner Redstone made such a decision, we first have to understand why Tom Cruise might be the lamest actor in Hollywood worth talking about.

For your pleasure and enlightenment, I have outlined a series of events that may or may not justify the squareness that is Tom Cruise:

Incident 1: Katie Holmes? KATIE HOLMES?????? In what twisted scientologistic world do these two belong in the same room let alone the same relationship? I thought Tom was more of a superficial I-want-my-woman-to-have-100%-control-of-her-lip-muscles kinda guy. You can’t put a D-list start with THE a-list start and expect people to accept this with open arms.

Incident 2: Couch Jumping? COUCH JUMPING??? I fortunately did not see this opera-moment, though I could only imagine. The public wants our gnome-size celebrities at heights no taller than 5’. We cannot handle a 4-foot Cruise-jump… especially from a 2’ couch. That’s 6’ of way-too-out-of-your-elevation-range.

Incident 3: Now I hate Brooke Shields as much as the next Brooke Shields-hater but when you start dissing us for our prescription drugs, you’ve gone too far. I used to take anti-depressants as an appetizer to my vodka tonics. I certainly see nothing wrong with taking prozac for post-partum depression. I think this is where Tom’s popularity took a turn for the worse and he AINT GETTIN IT BACK.

So blah blah blah – Tom and Kate are in love. They’re jet-setting, jet-setting, jet-setting… and then BABY.

Incident 4: SURI??? Excuse me? What the FUCK is suri? Sounds like a rash. (“uh, Bill. I can’t come into work today. I got a bad case of suri all over my face”) and I’m not one to exploit new born children but where the fuck is this kid? And don’t tell me that Tom doesn’t want to exploit his child b/c we all know that’s far far far from the truth. Even after speculation that this kid doesn’t exist / it’s an alien / it’s ugly as balls / etc / etc, he STILL wont produce pictures. I heard it was b/c Siloh Jolie-Pitt got 4$ mill and tom was only offered 1$ mill. I also heard they took pictures last week and they were mad photoshopped. Who fucking knows. Who fucking cares? I hate tom cruise and anything that his dick has been inside of (cough cough)


According to Marketing Evaluations Incorporated, a company that calculates the Q scores which measure a given celebrity's likeability factor (btw, how fucking lame is a company that rates celeb’s popularity (don’t even get me started)), “the public's positive perception of Cruise has fallen by 40% while the negative perception of the actor has jumped a whopping 100%.” And scientology’s ratings? Up. People are actually taking “scientology” seriously. I wonder if L. Ron Hubbard foresaw this ridiculousness that is SCI-FI !!!!!!

Anyway, I’m fucking done. Fuck tom cruise. He doesn’t deserve this much of my attention. (though I did find a really funny comic – though you have to reference the funny comic that Lindsay lohan’s dad drew from jail.)

* blogger isnt cooperating so no pics until it steps up.